So it is a new year and as we walk into a new year together, I think we have a beautiful opportunity for us to do new things, engage ourselves in new ways not in a way that we set unobtainable goals for ourselves but in a way that we take a look at our identity. One of the things that people ask me to talk about is a topic that you guys have heard me touch on at least in some aspect which is femininity, but have you heard of this thing called feminine energy? Have you ever wondered what it is? Is it how you trust? Is it a way that you interact with your partner? Is it some way that you carry yourself? So I want to give you my definition of what it means to be in your feminine energy or what feminine energy is. Feminine energy is the ability to stay connected with your core self and your core nature and allow the creative, nurturing, sensual, playful, tender, authentic parts of you to be present.
So, I want to be really clear before I start talking more about feminine energy, you and I have both feminine and masculine energy inside of us. These energies are not related to sex; we all have both energies but this is about when we engage these energies. What I find with most women is that their true nature is feminine but with the world we live in, they tend to live in a more masculine energy. I want to ask you some questions because I want you to really think about this. When you get into a masculine energy, do you feel like you've been leading a lot or that everything is your decision? Maybe it's really even that sort of “boss” CEO type space you operate in or maybe sometimes you just have a lot of work to do.
As a boss and business owner myself, I do a lot of things and the more I have on my plate–the more I find myself in a masculine energy. This is because a masculine energy is a doing energy and feminine energy is a being energy. For a woman, a masculine energy can rise up from stress, feeling like you have to make every decision, having to be in several places by a certain time, having a lot to do, or even feeling the need to control. By the way, this is just like a side note, that a healthy masculine energy doesn't control; a healthy masculine energy doesn't control, it leads. This isn’t a shot at a masculine energy which is a lot more of a focused and individualistic type energy where there is a lot of self-focus.
We know as women, when we spend too much time in our masculine, we get tired; we use words like “exhausted,” “irritated,” and if you have a partner, probably “naggy." More likely than not, you are bored; you might even be frustrated and depending on where you live emotionally, you might really express yourself as angry and you are definitely noy going to be interested in sex. Masculine energy will tank your desire as a woman; now, that's very different for a man where his true nature is a masculine energy. As a woman, this will tank your desire. So if you are thinking to yourself “man, I never want sex…” there is a high likelihood you are probably in your masculine. There could be some other culprit; however, I am not going to dive into that here (check out my blog on desire). I think it is really important for us to get a picture of who we are and what our identity is.
I hear women, especially women in the workforce, say “Yeah, I just have all this masculine energy.” Ok, fine. But there are negative consequences as a result of living in a masculine energy (especially if it’s not your true nature). Oftentimes, these women actually believe this is who they are, but anyone who is close to them knows that they are actually a Little Love Bug - caring and playful but only time that comes out is with close intimate friends or getting them completely disconnected for a long period of time. So, I think it is important to take the time and ask ourselves “Who am I really?” Several years ago, I too had to ask myself this question. I sat back and reflected about how I am naturally so feminine and yet I'm doing these things, I'm living this way, and it is taking from me and it was also taking from a marriage was a clear picture to me that things needed to change.
Feminine energy looks like it is a lot more internal focused than external focused. A feminine energy is a feeling energy whereas a masculine energy is a thinking energy. I want to be very clear that when I say thinking and feeling, this has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence. Women, by nature, tend to be more feeling. For example, if you asked a woman what she wants for dinner, she is most likely going to respond with: “I feel like __.” A man in this example is more likely to say something like: “I think we should have _.” They are both ultimately communicating the same thing; however, one is communicating from what she is sensing in herself and the other is thinking about the idea.
Women, especially women who are functioning well in the feminine, follow their intuition. As a woman, I have learned that one of the most effective things is listening to my intuition; in fact, some of the decisions that I wish I had not made were a result of not following my intuition. Even in my profession, there have been times where the manual has said one thing but my gut - my intuition would say “No, that is not it… Ask this question or do this thing.” Every time that I follow my intuition, I find myself in a good place because it's telling me a truth that I already know. So sis, I am telling you when you listen to your intuition, when you listen to your gut, you get somewhere you want to be. I bet that as I was talking about me, you were thinking about you going “yeah I can think of a time that I haven't listened to my gut. I can think of a time when I wish that I had listened to what my gut told me.” Your intuition is a beautiful part of being a woman. This is a large part of why women bring their husbands to counseling. Women have what I like to call an internal smoke detector that goes off when something feels off in our home even if they are not sure what it is. Feminine energy is more feeling and masculine energy is more logic.
Characteristics of Feminine Energy
We have talked a lot about what operating in the masculine energy looks like for women but let’s take a deeper look at what operating in the feminine energy looks like. Attraction is a big characteristic for feminine energy. I am not necessarily talking about attraction to a partner but really the attraction to colors, sounds, places, clothing, hobbies, and so on. Women tend to feel attraction all around them. Women tend to be more collective by nature, not in the workplace so much as that is where a lot of masculine energy comes out, but we tend to get together with our girls, make plans together, go to the bathroom together, dream together, and even feel together. I encourage you to take a look at my girl friendships blog or listen to the podcast. We can feel with our girl friends in our feminine in a way that a masculine simply cannot. Because again, a masculine energy is a doing energy and a feminine energy is a feeling energy.
Feminine energy is also flexible. Now I know I may have lost you here because I know a lot of women who are not about the “go with the flow” life. Rigidity is actually more of a masculine energy trait. And as a side note a lot of women I know personally and there are women who sit across from me in my office actually seek control and rigidity out of fear because somewhere down the road she determined that her partner is no longer safe. This can happen for a variety of reasons like lost trust, disappointment, projected issues as a result of unhealed past trauma, and so on. Flow is a large part of feminine energy because to flow, you have to be in a place of just being. Have you ever been in a room and seen another woman float across the room, moving from conversation to conversation, person to person? Women who operate well in their femininity flow with their emotions, with their pursuit, and with their rest. For the record, this flow has nothing to do with whether or not you are an introvert or an extrovert. Learn to slow down. A masculine energy is very aggressive in their pursuit; it is not violent but it is a “go” energy.
Flowing well helps you access your creativity. As women, we have a capacity for creativity like no other. We have the opportunity to turn off the go and just be in the moment. This is part of why I love painting so much. I never know what the end result is going to look like; I am just creative and feel it. Feminine energy tends to value process whereas the masculine energy values the outcome. A lot of women like the process of cooking, organizing, painting, and even growing; the process is exciting because whatever is in you gets to come out of you; you get to be with what you are doing rather than being focused on what needs to be done. I want you to pause and recognize in yourself, where do you operate most of the time? Is that space really you?
A feminine energy desires to be led. We thrive in being led. This has nothing to do with our ability to lead ourselves; I am very big on self leadership and taking ownership of my words and actions. Nonetheless, we desire to be led in relationships. We must know that we are safe in our relationship to be led. Now Sis, I am about to tell you a truth and you may not like it, but we are friends. Friends tell each other the truth and the truth is that a lot of times we can get to a place in relationships where the person we are with is unsafe for whatever reason so we step into that leadership position. The reality is that the more often we do that, the less opportunity our partner has to lead and the longer we put a demand on ourselves to operate in the masculine energy.
For example, if a couple sat on my couch and explained they are just not connecting - she is in the masculine and he has no clue why she is acting the way she is. Come to find out, she just needs more non-sexual affection. She misses him; he used to hug her before he left the house and as soon as he got home. She is missing him. So he makes the changes and starts hugging her more and more to give her what she needs because he loves her. A woman who has been in her masculine for a significant period of time can easily respond to those actions with words like “I should not have to tell you to hug me.” Whereas a woman operating in her feminine embraces the reconnection she is getting in her relationship.
In this example, the woman in her masculine can be received by her partner in a way that actually shuts him down which will further frustrate her. She is focused on the doing. The woman in her feminine feels his embrace and relishes the moments of connection. She is focused on the feeling.
Activating Your Feminine Energy
You may be reading this and thinking to yourself, “Yes, Dr. Britt. I want this! I want to be in my feminine. But how?” Activating your feminine energy is simple - not easy but actually very simple. There are a number of techniques that I have seen, and used myself, that have proven to be effective time and time again.
Dancing. Yes, I mean it. Dancing is a fantastic way to engage your senses and connect with your body. I have a playlist that I want to share with you. Now, this playlist may not be your cup of tea so to speak at first, but each song is in this playlist for a reason. Full disclaimer, there are some curse words in some of the songs. You have the ability to hide these in the playlist if you desire. Music is not always about the words but the beat, the rhythm, and the memories. Music has a special way of taking us places and bringing about euphoria. One of the tell tales for whether a song is engaging your feminine is if your movement is in your hips. Music that engages your shoulder or your head, that is promoting your masculine. My husband and I actually have another business where we help couples unlock their best relationship. And at one of our events (we do 4-5 per year), we actually played songs to illustrate each point. For the masculine, we played Eminem’s Till' I Collapse and all across the room, you see both men and women bobbing their heads and getting hyped to the point you thought they were about to throw some weights around. For the feminine, we played 2 AM by Emma Sammeth (it’s in the playlist as well). We put the couples together in a way the men could only see their wife (for protection of course as we are very visual creatures by nature) and every woman’s hips started to sway eventually. Some of the women, it took half way through the song for them to start moving, but eventually their feminine was engaged. What happened afterwards was amazing; all the women were softer, more playful, and willing to connect with their emotions.
Breathing is another way to get you into your body. Belly breathing is a great technique that actually reduces stress and provides a sense of self because it stimulates the vagus nerve. We live in a world where we are constantly bombarded with information, lights, and sounds and while what we consume may not be bad for us, it is loud. Taking a walk outside with no agenda is a great way to connect with your body, nature, and practice just being.
Mindful presence is a huge ticket to activating your femininity. This looks like paying full attention to what is around us, fully enjoying what you are doing, slowing down and “smelling the roses” so to speak. This can sound like something you have to spend a lot of time doing but it really just takes a few quality moments. If you have kids, this can look like just getting on the floor with your kids and spending just 5 minutes with them in their world focusing only on their voice, their laugh, the warmth in your chest as you sit there with your child. A huge part of being mindfully present is putting the phone down. Our phones can be wonderful tools; however, they often act as a mindless escape and mindlessness is not going to do anything positive for your femininity.
Sis, I want to encourage you! You can be in your feminine. You! You can lead yourself into a place of play, rest, flow, and connection. You can embrace the woman you truly are. You are just going to have to make a mindful choice to do this. Please don’t think that just because I am here chatting with you about this that I too must take my own advice - so to speak. I have my own daily practice that I follow to ensure the masculine energy I may have needed in boss mode doesn’t come home with me. I practice “turning it off” on my way home from work so that I am not walking into my home bossing, nagging, or frustrated.
Friend, as always, I enjoy our time together and I want to leave you with just a few questions to get you thinking about your own life, who you operate as, and who you really are. So please mindfully disconnect from everything else and take just a little bit of time to answer the following questions for yourself.
If your masculine is showing up, where and how?
Are any of the negative traits of masculinity showing up in your life?
What do you need to do about it TODAY?
How do I express myself as a woman?
How do I express my feminine energy?